White House Office of Personnel
1600 Pennsylvania Ave. NW
Washington, D.C. 20500
Dear Sir or Madam:
With the amount of clean-up needed after nearly any speech or news conference or cabinet meeting or tweet the president makes or holds, I’d like to offer my clean-up services to the White House. I personally own a John Deere 5403 tractor, with hydraulic bucket scoop attached, which can extend to a breathtaking fifteen feet. That can make a sizable pile of manure, especially of the type that comes out of the back end of bovines, including bulls.
Consider this a standing proposal. I know the president is busy, mostly creating more messy chaos, but, hey, you folks in the White House must be getting worn out by this time. I can help.
I’ve used said equipment to clean out barns, barnyards, feedlots, and other places in Wisconsin where waste can accumulate. Without question, I know my tractor and I could certainly be of service to the White House, even when he visits foreign countries like Belgium, the United Kingdom, and Finland.
How would I transport my equipment for clean up to such foreign places? The answer is I wouldn’t have to. All of those nations, and most of the nations of the world, have similar equipment to mine that can be leased on a daily or weekly basis to effect a clean up. Some even have John Deere equipment, unless they’ve leveled a retaliatory tariff, which, I understand, may indeed be the case. That will make leasing any equipment in a foreign nation more costly, but as I’m sure the White House understands, that’s what happens in a trade war.
How much money do I expect to earn from each clean-up? Depends on the size of the mess, where it is located, and the amount of red tape I have to cut through to accomplish the task. On average between 2007-2009, D.C. lawyers billed $600 per hour ($700 per hour in NYC). That study of course is ten years old. Given the rate of inflation and increasing demand for lawyers during the Trump administration, billing hours will have gone up, possibly as high as $800 per hour in D.C. (if not more). I propose a rate for me of $400 per hour. That would save the president $400 per hour. You will have to admit saving $400 per hour in lawyers’ fees (even for just one lawyer) is a significant savings for the president. I feel certain that my clean-up method will save the president not only lawyers’ fees now but also untold ones in the future.
I would expect to ride along on Air Force One with the president to any place he travels to. The plane’s hold may have room for the John Deere if it’s needed, or, again, I can lease equipment at the destination. I do own a pooper scooper that I can use on the plane if necessary. I’m also not averse to cleaning up after tweety birds.
Just one further stipulation: I will need three-fourths of the money up front, with the remaining quarter to be paid at the successful completion of each task. If in dispute, success or the alleged lack of success will be determined by an impartial arbitration panel of three recognized jurists. Bob Mueller, if he’s acceptable to you, would be an excellent choice to head the panel. He may be tied up, however, with other matters for the foreseeable future. How about another Republican, say, Jim Comey? I understand he’s looking for a job.
Thank you for seriously considering this proposal. I know the White House and I can be of mutual benefit to each other. The president spews a lot of, well, you know what; I’m just the man to help clean it up. Looking forward to hearing from you. Let’s make a “dirty” deal!
#MAGA, #AmericaFirst, #Cohen’sABum, #WitchHunt, #Putin’sFine, #MariaLovesNRA
PS: For greater efficiency, I have access, if necessary, to a large labor pool, many of them soybean farmers who need the work to stay in business and support their families. My hourly fee, it goes without saying, will have to be significantly higher, depending on how many of them I’ll need. We’ll discuss that when we meet in D.C.